In my weakness...

I remember this day well. The sun was quickly rising on what was appearing to be a beautiful and sunny but hot July day. I was supposed to be at the beach with my mom and sister. Instead I was following my husband and his mother to the hospital. My father-in-law was having heart surgery that morning. Not even a month earlier I had been wheeled into the OR for my own surgery, and the past few weeks had taken a toll on my mind and emotions. I had not been prepared for the roller coaster of symptoms that go along with your body adjusting to fluctuating thyroid levels as it adjusts to a new normal. Since my surgery, there had been one thing after the other, and I was not having the down time that I so desperately craved to recover. That was the reason my mom made arrangements to take me to the beach, and now, that time of rest and relaxation had been taken away. My stress level was very high this particular morning, and I had struggled through a panic attack the night prior. Ever since my surgery, I had dealt with anxiety and panic attacks.., something I had never had problems with before. As I followed my husband down the interstate toward the hospital, my mind was on everything that I had been doing to help my body heal. I had changed my diet to include foods to increase thyroid function and had taken food out of my diet that hindered thyroid function. I was exercising. I was taking supplements. I was striving really hard to lower my stress load, but everywhere I turned, I seemed to land in the middle of stress. In the realms of anger and frustration, my question to God that morning was, "How am I ever going to heal if I can't catch a break??? "

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was focused on everything that I was doing. I was changing my diet. I was trying to decrease my stress level. I was doing all this stuff, but how many times had I cried out to God and really believed that He was able to help me? My focus had been on finding healing and help in the medical realm. And, yes, I believe that God uses diet changes, doctors, medical treatments, medication, and the like to bring healing; but I also believe that our hope must lie in the One who is the Great Physician. I had become so caught up in my struggles and actions that I forgot to fall into the arms of the One who could uphold me and bring me healing and peace.

I honestly did not know how I was going to get through that particular day. I was struggling. A few months prior I would have told you that I felt like I was in the best shape physically, mentally, and spiritually that I had ever been in my life. In this moment, I truly felt at my weakest. But at that moment, I knew I could call to the One who knew my needs before I even asked, and it dawned on me that if He is the Great Physician, He could heal me despite my circumstances.

In those moments of feeling very weak, God brought verses to me that became my prayer. I began to cling to God's promise in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I also began to pray Nehemiah 8:11, "for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

God met me in my weakness. He enabled me to overcome the challenges of that day and the weeks that have followed. No, it's not always easy, but when we rely on His strength, He is faithful and carries us through. He equips us with everything we need to handle any situation that is thrown our way. I have realized that when we have nothing left, we acknowledge God more because we realize that it is only by Him that we have made it through. Therefore, all glory goes to Him which is where it should have gone from the start. He is the only One worthy of our praise.

"Let them praise the name of the Lord, for his name alone is exalted; his majesty is above earth and heaven." Psalm 148:13

One Week

One week ago today I walked into the hospital a little anxious about the surgery that I was about to undergo. I had never had surgery before and was not too thrilled with the idea of being put to sleep and everything being out of my control. I took a deep breath as I was guided to my pre-op room. As I laid down on the bed, a calmness came over me. Every staff member that came in that room was so kind and caring. Finally my husband was brought to my room, and as we waited for the nurse anesthetist to come in, he handed me my phone. I was humbled and blessed as I read the messages and prayers from my family and friends. God's peace surrounded me as they took me back to the operating room, and the next thing I remember was waking up to a sore and scratchy throat.

The past week has been filled with many ups and downs. Of course after surgery, there is going to be pain mixed with some nausea and lots of grogginess. I do, however, remember the wonderful feeling of walking through my door at home and feeling that pain level drop just a bit because I was home with my little family. There was still anxiety because even though the doctor told my husband everything looked good, we still didn't have the pathology report. There was stress from the surgery, and then the unexpected happened. The very weekend that I had surgery, some not so good things were happening at my husband's job, and he found himself resigning. I was broken and numb and stressed and thinking, "Can we not just get a break!" Just when we thought that one thing was behind us... BUT, in the midst of the pain from surgery, the stress of knowing Chris would be looking for a new job, and the anxiety of waiting...there was good. So, in the midst of recovering from surgery, I continued to count gifts...my mom...successful surgery... awesome doctors and nurses...caring family and friends...prayers...meals...pain meds...God's promises to cling to in trying times...my mom, dad, and brother coming to stay with me for a while Sunday morning.

Yes, there have been tears in the past week, but there has been joy also. Yesterday was my followup appointment. My surgeon opened the door and set the pathology results in my husbands hands. "You are all clear. It was benign!" I did not realize how anxious I really was until the weight lifted off my shoulders. And today, one week after surgery, I headed out for a walk which resulted in a 2 mile walk and JOG! And I praise God! I praise God for life today! I praise God for victories today! None of us know what the future holds for us, but if we are given today, embrace every minute of it. Yes, we will face the bad, but there will be good mixed in with the bad if we look for it. I praise God that He promises to provide and be near to us in whatever we are facing. I trust that whatever you are going through, that you will see light in the midst of darkness. That you will find blessing even in the hard times. One day God will make everything right. There will be no more physical pain, no more cancer, no more suffering, no more murders, and no more tears. He has won the final victory, but as we wait for the day that He makes everything right, embrace the victories of today and trust through the trials.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

Pouring Out Your Heart

The rain was pouring down over my vehicle as I ran errands on Monday. As I drove, my thoughts drifted to our Sunday School lesson from the previous day. It was the first lesson in the book of
1 Samuel. The story was of a woman named Hannah. She desperately wanted a child, but throughout her marriage had been unable to have children. On one of her family's yearly trips to Shiloh to worship and sacrifice to the Lord, Hannah entered the temple to pray. It says in verse 10 of chapter 1 in 1 Samuel, "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly." We are also told that she was so distraught and passionate in her prayer that the high priest thought that she was drunk. After he approached her and was explained the situation, he encouraged her, and she left encouraged with hope and peace.

As this story resonated in my heart, I thought about an afternoon several weeks ago. I was in the midst of having my thyroid biopsy done and waiting for results. I didn't have details of anything, and the fear of the unknown was paying its tole on me. I was struggling with fear and anxiety. I was struggling in accomplishing my daily task and keeping my eyes on my Savior. I was struggling with a very attitudish preteen know-it-all. It all came to a head that afternoon, and I needed to escape. I laced up my shoes, put in my ear buds and ran. As I ran the tears flowed, and I poured my heart out to God. I told God I was angry... I didn't want to have to deal with this...I didn't want this interruption. I told God I was afraid...that there was so much I wanted to do..I need to homeschool...what about my kids...what about ministry opportunities. AND, if I was going to have to deal with physical stuff right now, could my preteen just be a little easier to deal with??? My faced was streaked with sweat and tears, my breathing was heavy, and the words were audible as I poured our everything that was in my heart. I was truly hoping that no one would drive by because surely they would think I had lost it.

As I prayed, a calmness came over me, and by the time I got back to my house, I was OK.  Like Hannah, my situation at that time had not changed. Yet, God met me and reminded me of His promises.The promises of God offer hope that lead to peace.

I think that many times we are afraid to really pour our hearts out to God...to be honest with Him about our thoughts and feelings. He knows everything about us, including the number of hairs on our heads and the thoughts in our minds. God knows that the effects of sin on this earth are real, and sometimes life is hard and messy. He is abounding in love and full of mercy and grace. God wants to meet us in our messiness. He wants to give us that hope and peace that we only find through pouring our hearts out to Him and trusting His promises. He does not expect perfection from us because He was perfection for us.

Scott Sauls writes it best in his book Jesus Outside the Lines, "Jesus wants to fix everything that's broken about us and everything that's broken around us. But before he does this, he wants us to know that he is with us and for us in what's broken about us and around us. He shares in our situation." How encouraging to know that we are not alone in this messy life! I pray that as you pour your heart out to God, that He give you hope and the peace and strength that come only through Him.

Everyday Blessings

Disclaimer: The next few posts that I plan to share are more of a journal for me to serve as a reminder of God's work in my life through my recent journey. I realize that many of you are facing bigger obstacles in life than I am, but I wanted to share this with you in hope that it may inspire and encourage you in your walk of life.

The tears streamed down my face as I listened to the voice on the other side of the phone. A few hours earlier I had gotten the phone call that confirmed that there was something wrong with my thyroid gland. I had used up all of my composure as I talked to my mom, and now, as I heard my dad's voice on the line, my tears flowed freely. Anxiety and fear of the unknown were beginning to set in. I could barely speak, so I listened. My dad was not new to obstacles in life, and just a few years earlier, he had his own battle to fight. His quiet, caring words provided the reassurance, comfort, and encouragement that I needed. "Facts are friendly," and we are gonna deal with this...those were the words that rang through my ears as I attempted to compose myself and get on with my day. Reports and doctors notes needed to be gathered for referrals, and my two children needed their mom to help them finish their schoolwork for the day.

As I continued to take the next step in my day which included getting my daughter to her softball game, I decided to call my dad back to assure him that I wasn't the blubbery mess he had talked to earlier in the day. As we talked, he mentioned a 5K that he was planning to do the next day. This was a race that just a few weeks earlier I had thought that I would do with him...but now...I didn't know...should I...I've been running..;this shouldn't change anything...right? The thoughts swirled in my head, but the words out of my mouth said, "I think I'm gonna come run too." I always enjoyed running with my dad. Maybe this was just what I needed. I texted my dad back later that night to let him know I was definitely coming.

That Saturday brought a fresh outlook. As I awoke, I was excited. Excited to go see my parents. Excited to do a race with my dad, the man that trained me to run and inspires me more than he knows. Excited for new mercies every morning. I got to my parents house, and my dad and I headed off to register for the race. We warmed up as we waited for the race to begin, headed to the starting line, and took a pre-race selfie :) As the race was about to begin, I told Dad that it was probably going to be a slow run for me, so I would see him when I got to the finish line. Then we were off.

The air was cool and just perfect for a run. The race was small, so it didn't take long for everyone to spread out. As I run, I use that opportunity to enjoy nature that God puts on my path (unless it's a snake) and thank Him for promises that He brings to mind. This morning was no different. I was enjoying the quiet run and sound of feet hitting the pavement, Mandisa streaming through my earbuds. I was thankful for deep breaths of fresh air filling my lungs. As I neared the end of the first mile, I knew I must be doing pretty good when I could still see my dad ahead of me. Mile marker 1 and I hit the mark for a pretty fast mile for me. After the first mile, I struggled a little with my breathing, and after mile 2.5, I was getting a little tired. As I rounded the curve that led to the finish line a police officer stopping traffic yelled out, "You're doing great!" Then I saw my dad. It wasn't the first time he had done this. He finishes his race and then comes back to run with me to the finish line. It was just the pick me up that I needed. The time was called out as I crossed the finish line, and amazingly, I had run my fastest 5K yet. By a runners standpoint, no, it wasn't that fast, but for me, it was a victory. And, not only had I achieved a personal best, I was the first female finisher!

My heart was so full. I could have so easily missed the blessings that this morning held for me. Had I allowed my feelings and emotions to dictate my day, I would have stayed in the bed, wallowed in self pity with blankets pulled up to my neck, and probably eaten my weight in ice cream or cheesecake. But, I had hope because I had promises... promises of a God who loves me (Jeremiah 31:3) and who cares about what is going on in my life. Promises of a God who will be by my side no matter what life throws my way (Deut. 31:6). Promises of a God who has plans to prosper me and not harm me, but  plans to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

I don't know what you may be facing today, and your battle may be so much bigger than mine. BUT, I know a God who loves you and who wants to be by your side as you face life's obstacles. My God wants to give you a hope and a future. He wants to bless you with His presence and peace as you walk through life. He showed us how much He loves us by giving His life for us, and He wants to display that love to you today. Ask Him, and He will be near you. He will bestow His mercy upon you and equip you with what you need to handle today. May you see the everyday blessings that God has bestowed upon you today and feel embraced in His love.

My Life the Past Month...Waiting

Nobody wants to hear the words mass, lump, or biopsy; but for someone whose family has been touched by cancer more times than they wish to count, those words can cause crippling fear to creep up your  spine. At a routine doctor's visit a month a and a half ago, my doctor discovered that my thyroid gland was enlarged. Thyroid problems run in my family, so no big deal, right? I was scheduled for a test which revealed a lump on my thyroid gland. Then I was referred to a specialist who sent me for a biopsy. Then waiting, waiting, and more waiting as 7...10...14...16 days go by. As I was waiting, fear kept trying to creep its way into my days. As much as I wanted to handle this situation with grace and faith, some days were a constant struggle.                                                                                              

What do you do in the midst of waiting? I claim to have faith, but how do I maintain trust when faced with a situation that is not ideal? Just being honest, for me some days are a constant battle to focus my eyes on Jesus Christ, but resting in His promises is the only thing that can provide the strength to carry on when situations become difficult. We are given so many promises in the Bible. God knew that life would not be easy when sin entered this world, but our loving God had a plan and has given us so many promises to abide on when things are not easy. 

Here are a few of my favorite promises that give me strength and hope: 

• I will never leave you (Joshua 1:5)

• You are loved with a steadfast love (Isaiah 54:10)

• The Lord is the strength of His people (Psalm 28:8)

• God is faithful (Psalm 36:5)

• ALL things work together for good (Romans 8:28)

I love hearing God's promises in music form also. There are many mornings that hymns and praise music are needed in the start of my day. For me, there is much peace and healing that comes from truth spoken in music. I haven't forgotten the words I read from Ann Voskamp. It is what her mother-in-law told her... "When it is hardest-that is when you sing the loudest. The devil flees at a hymn."So, yes, in the midst of waiting, keep singing. 

We often hear that life is full of ups and downs. My mom has a friend who likens it more to railroad tracks...two parallel lines...there is always good in the midst of bad. And, yes, in the midst of hardship and waiting and uncertainty, there is good and there is always something to be thankful for. Giving thanks changes our perspective. Instead of focusing on our situation, it helps us focus on the One who blesses us with these things we are thankful for. Another quote from Ann Voskamp that I love is, "The answer to anxiety is the adoration of Christ." It may be thanking God for the hummingbird at the bird feeder, or the sunrise over the trees, or an unexpected phone call or text, or a simple piece of toast...whatever the object or truth that compels your thanks, you are acknowledging the Creator, Provider, Sustainer, Redeemer, and Savior. 

We have done nothing to deserve good in our lives; yet, He chose to love us. Every good thing that happens in life is only by God's grace. So, as we wait through the hardships, trust in His promises, sing, and give thanks.

At this point, I have inconclusive biopsy results, and I am waiting for surgery. I am very thankful for God's grace, and my surgeon tells me that no matter what the results are, the treatment is surgery and I am going to be fine. As I continue to wait on my surgery date, I will strive with God's help to battle each day to trust and keep my focus on Jesus Christ, sing, and continue to count gifts and practice gratitude.

God has provided so much love and encouragement to me over the past few weeks, and I am so grateful to each of you who has been a vessel of God to show me how much He loves and cares about me. My prayer is that through my story I point you to Jesus Christ who is my hope and my deliverer. No matter what you face today, call to Him and He will be near you. May each of us find encouragement through His love and promises today.

As the Mountains...

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just need encouragement. These verses bring me encouragement, and I trust today that they will do the same for you.

“Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people, from this time forth and forevermore.” Psalm 125:1-2

What does it mean to trust in the Lord? Our relationship with Jesus Christ begins when He puts a desire in our hearts to seek Him, and we realize that we are sinners in need of a Savior. By His grace, we are able to repent of our sins and live in the forgiveness that is offered through the death and resurrection of Jesus. Our relationship with Christ is a lifelong commitment. By His grace and through His strength, we want to grow in Him and live a life that follows His commands.

Psalm 125 holds promises for those who truly have their faith in Jesus Christ. We can be confident that God will never leave us. Jerusalem was surrounded by mountains that helped serve as protection for the city. We are promised that God surrounds His people just like those mountains surrounded the city and protected it.

 Oh, Lord, thank You that You are with us and will never leave us. Thank You for Your promises. Give us strength as we want to grow in You. Praise You, Father, for your promise of surrounding us with Your protection.

Light is Sweet

The early morning was quiet as I sat in my chair with my Bible propped open on my lap. My thoughts, however, were not so quiet. As I scrolled through facebook before rolling out of bed, the many needs and struggles just overwhelmed me. We live in a world full of pain and struggles. There are young people battling cancer and other illnesses, people struggling in their relationships, financial stress, political unrest and arguing, racial and religious divisions, orphans in need of parents, slaves in need of being rescued, and disasters happening throughout the world.

Even this particular morning, I was headed to take my daughter to her dermatologist for a biopsy of skin lesions that they were concerned about. My anxiety was mounting- yes, I am a worrier and my 11 year old does not handle some medical situations very well! I needed to quiet my own thoughts so that I could help my daughter deal with hers. 

My Bible was opened to Ecclesiastes where I had been reading lately. Now I was in chapter 11. I trudged through the verses. As I had been reading through Ecclesiastes, some of the teachings that had stood out to me were- 1) without God, nothing else matters 2) Nothing except Jesus Christ brings lasting satisfaction 3) God gives purpose to our lives 4) even though life does not always seem fair and we do not always understand things, our sovereign God has a plan. The verses that I was reading were more of the same until I reached verse 7. The words that I read as the sun rose on a new day were, "Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to see the sun." On this particular morning those verses resonated in my soul and brought HOPE. It immediately brought me to the verse in John where Jesus says, "I am the light of the world" (John 8:12).

When I get focused on all the hurt and pain of this world, it overwhelms me. So many things are out of my control, and at times I feel crippled by fear and anxiety. When I focus on Jesus Christ, the Light of the world, it puts things in a different perspective. He came to earth to overcome the effects of sin and darkness. He won that victory!

Yes, here on earth we will endure pain and hardships, but we are equipped to handle the things that come our way through Christ. He brought hope and light to a world that was overcome with darkness, and we are given the gift of that hope today.

When we accept the light of Christ in our lives, we too become light (Matt. 5:14) and can offer hope to a world that desperately needs to see the love, light, and hope of Jesus Christ. Just as the sun lights up the horizon at sunrise or shines through the clouds after the rain, may we shine forth the light of Christ to offer hope to our world of darkness and storms.