Beginning a New Year in the Midst of a Heavy Heart

I always look at a new year with excitement. For me, it's a fresh start. A clean slate. An opportunity to set new goals and strive to improve.

This year, as the new year approached, the same feelings were present. 2020 did a number on many families and mine was not immune to the troubles and trials and loss. I looked at 2021 much like other years, a fresh start. After the exhaustion on 2020, I think we all probably longed for new opportunities. 

I was surprised, however, when I awoke on New Year's Day with a heavy heart. A deep sadness had set in that overshadowed the excitement that a new year normally brings. As I dug for the root of that sadness, I realized I was grieving starting the new year without my oldest brother, and January 2020 was where our journey through his illness and all the aches and pains of last year began.

I've had to deal with those feelings, and I am learning through all the losses, illnesses, disagreements, political unrest, racial tension, and every other thing that caused a heavy heart through 2020- MINDSET IS KEY.

I am thankful for Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts that I read several years ago. It has helped shape my thinking and probably has helped me endure various trials without losing my mind. What I've learned from that book is perspective. If we focus on the bad, the loss, the negative, the lies--- our outlook will be tainted by negativity. If we focus on the good, the positive, the love, the Truth--- our outlook will be flickered with positivity and hope. 

Training our minds to positivity is no easy task. When we turn on the TV- negativity. When we scroll through social media-again, lots of negative although some positivity seeps in. Loss, hurt, and pain are real. It is so easy to drift to negativity and get stuck in a place of pessimism and feel there will never be change. 

I get it! I deal with fighting negativity every day, and sometimes it wins. We don't have to be perfect in our quest for positive thinking to see light. We just have to make small steps toward counting our gifts, and in making those small steps, our perspective begins to change. Sometimes that change comes quickly. Sometimes that change in mindset takes time. And sometimes we are going to make great strides only to fall back into the valley. Just don't stop climbing. Keep seeking. Keep searching truth, and you will again be able to sit on a dreary rainy cold day and feel joy. Don't get discouraged today if you are in a dark place. Acknowledge it. Feel the sadness or whatever feelings are there, but strive not to stay there. Even when you don't feel it and darkness floods your soul and you feel no hope, the truth is that you are loved more than you know and there is a God who holds you and cares about you even when you are angry at Him. I know because I've been there- angry with disbelief and yelling at God. Where I was unfaithful, He is always faithful to forgive, and He never has left me alone in my places of anger and disbelief. He graciously finds me and pulls me back into the fold. 

Today I am thankful for a Faithful Father, joy on a cold dreary day, and forgiveness. 

Hard Gratitude

It's the Monday before Thanksgiving of the year 2020. I sit here thinking and reflecting over this crazy painful year. As we rang in the new year on January 1, no one could have imagined what this year would hold for my family. Twenty-five days later, our hearts sank with the news of my brother's illness and haven't recovered. 

In a year that has been defined by Covid, social distancing, masks, and shut downs, for some families, Covid and the political/ social unrest were far from the worst things they experienced. It's been a painful year for so many, but for others, it's almost seemed unbearable. So how are you supposed to think or feel as you start a week that is typically defined by gratitude in a year that has been anything but typical???

The answer for me is to sit, be still, feel,
acknowledge my feelings, process, and write. As I reflect, I feel the bad, feel the loss,  feel the heartache, feel the tears; but I also feel the joy, feel the accomplishments, feel the strength, feel the presence, feel the kindness, and feel the love. We can choose what we focus on, and we can choose how we deal with the hard, the bad, and the ugly. I can dwell on the bad, and yes, some days I do. My goodness! 2020 has certainly offered me a lot of bad and hurt and pain! I remember my words to my husband one day...a day filled with hurt and despair. Through sobs I uttered the words, " It's all bad! ALL OF IT! There is nothing good coming out of any of this!" As he held me close he whispered the words, "You have me and the kids here for you, and you don't know what will come from all this." And where I still don't understand, or see how and where, and where it didn't take away the heartache, those words help pull me out of the pit when I start sinking deep. Those words, "You have me and the kids," serve as a reminder, especially when I start thinking it's all bad, to look around, open my eyes, because somewhere there has to be some good. Yes, the year has been defined by heartache, but on this Monday before Thanksgiving, if I open my eyes a little wider, I can see good...

- The love of my family- My whole big amazing family

- A Hard-working husband who loves his wife and family well, and who isn't afraid to say the hard things when it is the right thing

- The strength of a teenage girl who has upheld her mother for a big part of the year

-The love, compassion, and hugs of a teenage son

- Parents and siblings who ban together in the hard and who love one another unconditionally

- Phone calls and texts of love, support, and encouragement from friends and family

- Memories- a whole lot of precious memories

- My People- family and friends who are always there to love, help, and support

-God's creation- the beauty and healing of nature

-Softball- a needed distraction, the lessons and excitement it brings, and yes! How about a verbal commitment to college!!!

-Karate and workouts- a healthy way to blow off some steam, learn lessons, and gain strength in both body and mind

-Rainbows, shooting stars, and reminders of God's greatness and presence even when I question and doubt. 

So yes, the year has been hard, and this week will be hard as we celebrate a holiday that my brother loved. I will sit and feel the hurt, but I will also sit and feel the joy and express gratitude, where maybe not for the hard, yet, but for the blessings in the hard. Because, as one of Shawn's favorite authors, Frederick Buechner said, "Pay mind to your own life, your own health, and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help to anyone if it bleeds to death." 

Love Wins

The past few days I've been silent...just not knowing what to say...sad...processing things...wanting to speak but not wanting to offend. First I'll say I am thankful...thankful for growing up in a family where everyone, regardless of skin color was welcome in our home. I had hoped each generation would become better at acceptance and equality. Then things happen...bad things...murder...riots...and that hope diminishes. And here we are in the midst of unrest, hurt, pain, turmoil, fear, feelings of injustice. Some are trying to be heard, to be the voice of change. Some are lashing out in anger over injustice and pain. Some are unfortunately taking advantage of a very sorrowful situation to accomplish their own selfish motives meanwhile diminishing the voice of those who truly just want to be the voice of change.

But then I get another glimmer of hope that yes, maybe the next generation will be better at this coming together than mine. That hope comes when my daughter picks up the phone to reach out to a friend to say she's thinking of him. To open the door to talk about how he feels. To let him know, we as a family care.

So, in the midst of everyone's opinions and emotions and the pain and the hurt and the injustice and the unrest and the fear, I will still hope that somehow, someway, good will come... Change will come, and we will be one step closer to seeing the heart of a person and not the color of their skin.

When I Cannot See

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" 2 Cor. 5:7. 

Yes, this verse...it greets me every morning and stays with me till evening when my head hits the pillow and I fall asleep praying, questioning, begging, or just hoping and trusting because I don't know what to ask or say.

We've all heard the saying, "Life isn't easy." Sometimes those words reign truer than at other times. Sometimes the pain we feel and the pain around us just seem like it will just swallow us up. Just look at the headlines or the pain in your community or maybe even the pain in your own family. We don't have to look far to find injustice, pain, fear, and hurt. Sometimes it just seems to be everywhere.

What is the answer? Where do we find hope when life is falling apart around us? The answer for me is Faith. The definition of faith is "complete trust or confidence in someone or something. There are times in my life where I have put faith in different things. We put faith in doctors, leaders, friends, pastors, counselors, family, and many other people and things. Here is the thing, all these people and things will eventually let you down and honestly were not meant to carry the weight of being the object of our faith. Yes, we find encouragement and strength from these sources and we definitely have need of them in our lives. But, they cannot answer all our questions or give us the strength to get through the trials we face. Faith that gets us through trials and difficult circumstances is faith in a higher power. Faith in the Creator of the universe. Faith in the One who loves us so much that He gave His life for us. 

I don't understand everything that happens. I don't understand why so much pain and hurt has to visit, and yes, I do mouth the words, "Why God?" more times than I would like you to know. However, in the end, my faith rests in the promises of God- that He loves me, the He cares for me or whoever the person is going through that trial or loss, that He is for me, that He will work all things together for good even when it doesn't feel good, that He is working for a greater purpose than my feeble mind can see. That is what gets me through and allows me to do what I call my family's motto given to us by my mother's dear friend Jill, "Do the next right thing."

Whatever you may be going through- a health crisis, a family crisis, anxiety and stress related to the changes and fears around us these days, racial hurts, depressions, loss, and the list continues, I encourage you to have faith even when your eyes cannot see, and trust God to open your eyes to the good that is happening around you. I can promise in what may be really really bad, there is something good. So trust and look for those prayer warriors surrounding you, those offering physical support and help, the beauty of a flower, the call or text of a friend, the love of a stranger regardless of the color of your skin, a deep breath, a kind touch...It doesn't take away the pain or the hurt or the loss, but it does help us walk through the trial where we will be stronger on the other side even though now we just cannot see. 

It's Showtime

Let's start at the beginning. As a homeschool mom, I am always searching for opportunities for my kids that will enhance their social and community involvement as well as provide a chance for spiritual, mental, and academic growth. We joined 4-H this year and have enjoyed and learned from their opportunities. Several months ago I talked my family into going to their livestock day to learn more about 4-H's livestock programs. I was thinking chickens...we could do the chicken project. Well, my son was interested in the chickens, but my daughter and my husband came home talking about the steer project. Really! A cow! Have I mentioned I'm a little scared of cows. Yes, they intrigue me, but hose big animals are a little scary to me!

In June we brought home a 700 pound steer that K named Red. Within 5 minutes of being home, he broke through 2 fences which resulted in a 6 hour stand off in the field until experts arrived to help us get him home and reinforce the fences. Red finally decided that his new home wasn't so bad and within 3 weeks was beginning to learn to lead.

My girl researched and worked to figure out the right food, what supplies were needed, how to train this large animal, how to work with his hair, and show stances. Over the past 2 months she has spent hours upon hours training Red and working with his hair. Everything she has done, she has learned on her own and by talking to a friend who has some experience.

On Friday, we headed off to the Jr. Beef Round Up which was to start the steer project. I was a nervous wreck. This was a whole new show for all of us. The only things we knew about showing cattle was from what we had read and what we had watched on you-tube.

We arrived in Clemson, overcame some confusion in checking in, and got a very nervous Red unloaded (did I mentions he has not seen another cow in 2 months), got him weighed, and headed to the "stall" space which ended up being a tie out space with shavings in an open building with fans, radios, blowers, and cows everywhere. Yes, Red freaked out a little, my girl was anxious, and my stomach was in knots. Instead of help, all we got were stares. We finally got Red settled down, and we headed to set up our living space for the weekend. So thankful our trailer has living quarters which allowed us to stay at the arena.

Friday evening we sat with Red in the barn (apparently that is what you do at cattle shows) and Kristen took him for a walk. Red did better but of course was still nervous.

Saturday morning came. We headed out to the barn to feed, wash, and groom Red and prepare for the showmanship contest. Keep in mind this whole time, we haven't made any friends in the barn, everyone is doing their own things with no respect for other people's space or feelings. We were first-timers learning as we went. So thankful for the positive encouragement from a friend and my sister's reminder that growth comes from the uncomfortable places.

Finally, it was show time. Red was nervous and so was my girl. It would be their first time in the ring, and K had no training other than her own research. It started out OK, but Red quickly acted up and K just tried to maintain her composure. As her mom, my heart sank as she struggled to control her animal and combat disappointment and frustration. I knew their were tears as we quickly got out of the stands to go encourage her. So thankful my sister and brother-in-law were there for her.

Saturday evening we decide to leave for a while and go out to eat. We all needed a break from the cattle world. We came back, checked on Red, and K took him for a walk. He was acting up and she was tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, and just completely raw. We had a mother-daughter heart to heart complete with tears while her daddy worked with Red. I headed back to the trailer while K and her daddy finished with Red.

Sunday morning came, and we all had a new resolve. As I took my Victory Sports shirt out with I Cor. 15:57 on the back, I told K we were taking a little Victory Sports and Jesus up in that barn. Red was calm when we got there, and we actually had someone speak to us. We fed and washed Red and headed to the worship service. I was so thankful they had one because I desperately needed that encouragement. After the service, we needed to speak to one of the staff. Apparently a conversation I had with an assistant the day before (I had mentioned that we were struggling first-timers) had made it to this man. He immediately introduced us to a God send! This man took us under his wing for the rest of the day. He talked with Kristen, introduced us to kind people, explained how things work, helped K with Red, and gave lots of advice. Apparently we had set up on the wrong side of the barn with the cut throats from out of state. Anyway, everyone was more at ease. Red was still acting up a little before the steer show, but my girl had a different attitude. She lined up and walked in that ring with confidence. Red did better too. The highlight of the weekend was the smile on her face as she and Red walked out of that ring.

So, yes, the experience was painful.There were smiles and frowns, laughter and tears, struggles and triumphs. But, in the end, there was the joy of overcoming adversity and a family that stuck together relying on God for help and strength.

Thoughts from Jericho

Have you ever been faced with a daunting task? One that seemed just a little too big. One that made you feel uncomfortable, unqualified, and completely out of your realm. Magnify that feeling, and I'm sure that's how the children of Israel felt as they looked on the big walls of Jericho and thought, "How are we supposed to conquer that?!?"

Since life has slowed down a bit after school got out for summer break, I have enjoyed a little extra time in the Word other than my quick devotion and verse here and there during our busy school days. And let me just be honest in saying, God knows I need that extra time in His Word to keep me grounded and focused on His promises which I all to easily loose sight of.

Raising kids, homeschooling high schoolers, maintaining house and property, running from one sport to the next, juggling responsibilities, and the list goes on  can all seem a bit taxing. And some of you are facing challenges and responsibilities a lot more daunting than the normal day to day trials.

As I have been reading in Joshua, I came across one of my favorite verses, Joshua 1:9; and I desperately needed a reminder of this verse. It says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." What an awesome promise this is, and this was the promise God gave right before He was going to do tremendous things that would require total faith...like walk around the walls of Jericho. Really! Just walk and shout...Don't attack...Don't fight...Just walk, trust, and obey. God was going to fight the battle for them.

Here the children of Israel stood looking at the huge walled city. How? How were they going to tackle this? But God! He had a plan. It was a plan that would require total faith and obedience. A plan the would show His faithfulness, His power, and His might.

The children of Israel prepared to fight. They had God's promise that He was with them. But, as the Jesus Storybook Bible puts it, God's plan "wasn't about fighting; it was about trusting and doing what God said." So for days the children of Israel walked around the walls of Jericho. They waited on God's Word and for God to move- such faith to walk and wait- not taking things into their own hands that surely would have led to defeat. They waited and then obeyed when God said to shout. They trusted and obeyed which led to great victory. A victory orchestrated by God to accomplish His plan. Oh, to have that faith!

Oh Father, help me! Help me have the faith to trust, obey, and walk while waiting on You to work to accomplish Your plan through tasks that seem too big.

Take 2...Let's try again

This blog may have been silent for almost 2 1/2 years, but the life of this family has been anything but silent! I always heard that your life gets busier as your kids get older, but as I hustled after my children when they were younger, I never understood how that could be...until now! The life of traveling out of town to co-op classes; attending to church, family, and community responsibilities; adding karate and travel softball to the schedule;  preparing for 4-H projects; and bringing new animals to the homestead have made life feel out of control at times. How do you find a balance??? Over the past months the words, "If we can only get through the next 2 weeks..." have been verbalized countless times to my husband along with realization that it was time to re-prioritize. 

Seasons of our lives can be constantly changing. Even though the past 3 years have been extremely busy and challenging, they have also allowed many volunteer, ministry, and teaching opportunities. Anyone who knows me understands that I love missions and ministry opportunities. Knowing that some of these things would have to be cut. the thought of re-prioritizing was not one that I looked upon with excitement. I prayed for guidance and direction through this process. The thought that always came back was there are seasons...seasons to raise your children, seasons to homeschool, seasons of sports, seasons of ministry...and my season of homeschooling and having my children at home is winding down. With that realization staring me in the face during my daughters 9th grade year, my priorities became very clear. My children are my first mission. If I fail to minister to them, I am neglecting my main mission during this season in my life. God chose me to be there mom...I have the privilege of striving to lead them and guide them. I have the opportunity to be in their lives and not waste a minute. I have the responsibility of doing life with them through the ups and downs of teenage emotions and striving to help them find balance and meaning in life. 

So lets just be honest. The life of a homeschooling mom is not glamorous. We are with our children for the majority of the day. They see us at our best and at our worst, and we see the same in them. We are the target of their frustration, and they can become the target of ours. The sad reality is that sometimes it is so much easier to minister to others than to minister to our own, and I admit, that has been the case with me more times than I care to mention. As we come out of one of the busiest and hardest years of my homeschooling career, I am looking forward to some time this summer to rest, recover, and equip for the coming school year. There will be long drives to karate and softball practice. There will be many weekends at the softball field. There will be many hours in the yard not only training in respective sports but training horses, chickens, and a cow. There will be many opportunities and activities that will require a "Sorry, but no," answer from me. But this is my season...my season to embrace the next few years before me children fly the coop and become adults. Oh how I pray for the strength to find joy in each day, for direction in navigating the road of teenage emotions and attitude, for discernment in making the most of everyday despite what trials arise, and for our family to be a light to those around us and abound in love.