Hard Gratitude

It's the Monday before Thanksgiving of the year 2020. I sit here thinking and reflecting over this crazy painful year. As we rang in the new year on January 1, no one could have imagined what this year would hold for my family. Twenty-five days later, our hearts sank with the news of my brother's illness and haven't recovered. 

In a year that has been defined by Covid, social distancing, masks, and shut downs, for some families, Covid and the political/ social unrest were far from the worst things they experienced. It's been a painful year for so many, but for others, it's almost seemed unbearable. So how are you supposed to think or feel as you start a week that is typically defined by gratitude in a year that has been anything but typical???

The answer for me is to sit, be still, feel,
acknowledge my feelings, process, and write. As I reflect, I feel the bad, feel the loss,  feel the heartache, feel the tears; but I also feel the joy, feel the accomplishments, feel the strength, feel the presence, feel the kindness, and feel the love. We can choose what we focus on, and we can choose how we deal with the hard, the bad, and the ugly. I can dwell on the bad, and yes, some days I do. My goodness! 2020 has certainly offered me a lot of bad and hurt and pain! I remember my words to my husband one day...a day filled with hurt and despair. Through sobs I uttered the words, " It's all bad! ALL OF IT! There is nothing good coming out of any of this!" As he held me close he whispered the words, "You have me and the kids here for you, and you don't know what will come from all this." And where I still don't understand, or see how and where, and where it didn't take away the heartache, those words help pull me out of the pit when I start sinking deep. Those words, "You have me and the kids," serve as a reminder, especially when I start thinking it's all bad, to look around, open my eyes, because somewhere there has to be some good. Yes, the year has been defined by heartache, but on this Monday before Thanksgiving, if I open my eyes a little wider, I can see good...

- The love of my family- My whole big amazing family

- A Hard-working husband who loves his wife and family well, and who isn't afraid to say the hard things when it is the right thing

- The strength of a teenage girl who has upheld her mother for a big part of the year

-The love, compassion, and hugs of a teenage son

- Parents and siblings who ban together in the hard and who love one another unconditionally

- Phone calls and texts of love, support, and encouragement from friends and family

- Memories- a whole lot of precious memories

- My People- family and friends who are always there to love, help, and support

-God's creation- the beauty and healing of nature

-Softball- a needed distraction, the lessons and excitement it brings, and yes! How about a verbal commitment to college!!!

-Karate and workouts- a healthy way to blow off some steam, learn lessons, and gain strength in both body and mind

-Rainbows, shooting stars, and reminders of God's greatness and presence even when I question and doubt. 

So yes, the year has been hard, and this week will be hard as we celebrate a holiday that my brother loved. I will sit and feel the hurt, but I will also sit and feel the joy and express gratitude, where maybe not for the hard, yet, but for the blessings in the hard. Because, as one of Shawn's favorite authors, Frederick Buechner said, "Pay mind to your own life, your own health, and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help to anyone if it bleeds to death." 

Love Wins

The past few days I've been silent...just not knowing what to say...sad...processing things...wanting to speak but not wanting to offend. First I'll say I am thankful...thankful for growing up in a family where everyone, regardless of skin color was welcome in our home. I had hoped each generation would become better at acceptance and equality. Then things happen...bad things...murder...riots...and that hope diminishes. And here we are in the midst of unrest, hurt, pain, turmoil, fear, feelings of injustice. Some are trying to be heard, to be the voice of change. Some are lashing out in anger over injustice and pain. Some are unfortunately taking advantage of a very sorrowful situation to accomplish their own selfish motives meanwhile diminishing the voice of those who truly just want to be the voice of change.

But then I get another glimmer of hope that yes, maybe the next generation will be better at this coming together than mine. That hope comes when my daughter picks up the phone to reach out to a friend to say she's thinking of him. To open the door to talk about how he feels. To let him know, we as a family care.

So, in the midst of everyone's opinions and emotions and the pain and the hurt and the injustice and the unrest and the fear, I will still hope that somehow, someway, good will come... Change will come, and we will be one step closer to seeing the heart of a person and not the color of their skin.

When I Cannot See

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" 2 Cor. 5:7. 

Yes, this verse...it greets me every morning and stays with me till evening when my head hits the pillow and I fall asleep praying, questioning, begging, or just hoping and trusting because I don't know what to ask or say.

We've all heard the saying, "Life isn't easy." Sometimes those words reign truer than at other times. Sometimes the pain we feel and the pain around us just seem like it will just swallow us up. Just look at the headlines or the pain in your community or maybe even the pain in your own family. We don't have to look far to find injustice, pain, fear, and hurt. Sometimes it just seems to be everywhere.

What is the answer? Where do we find hope when life is falling apart around us? The answer for me is Faith. The definition of faith is "complete trust or confidence in someone or something. There are times in my life where I have put faith in different things. We put faith in doctors, leaders, friends, pastors, counselors, family, and many other people and things. Here is the thing, all these people and things will eventually let you down and honestly were not meant to carry the weight of being the object of our faith. Yes, we find encouragement and strength from these sources and we definitely have need of them in our lives. But, they cannot answer all our questions or give us the strength to get through the trials we face. Faith that gets us through trials and difficult circumstances is faith in a higher power. Faith in the Creator of the universe. Faith in the One who loves us so much that He gave His life for us. 

I don't understand everything that happens. I don't understand why so much pain and hurt has to visit, and yes, I do mouth the words, "Why God?" more times than I would like you to know. However, in the end, my faith rests in the promises of God- that He loves me, the He cares for me or whoever the person is going through that trial or loss, that He is for me, that He will work all things together for good even when it doesn't feel good, that He is working for a greater purpose than my feeble mind can see. That is what gets me through and allows me to do what I call my family's motto given to us by my mother's dear friend Jill, "Do the next right thing."

Whatever you may be going through- a health crisis, a family crisis, anxiety and stress related to the changes and fears around us these days, racial hurts, depressions, loss, and the list continues, I encourage you to have faith even when your eyes cannot see, and trust God to open your eyes to the good that is happening around you. I can promise in what may be really really bad, there is something good. So trust and look for those prayer warriors surrounding you, those offering physical support and help, the beauty of a flower, the call or text of a friend, the love of a stranger regardless of the color of your skin, a deep breath, a kind touch...It doesn't take away the pain or the hurt or the loss, but it does help us walk through the trial where we will be stronger on the other side even though now we just cannot see.