Hard Gratitude

It's the Monday before Thanksgiving of the year 2020. I sit here thinking and reflecting over this crazy painful year. As we rang in the new year on January 1, no one could have imagined what this year would hold for my family. Twenty-five days later, our hearts sank with the news of my brother's illness and haven't recovered. 

In a year that has been defined by Covid, social distancing, masks, and shut downs, for some families, Covid and the political/ social unrest were far from the worst things they experienced. It's been a painful year for so many, but for others, it's almost seemed unbearable. So how are you supposed to think or feel as you start a week that is typically defined by gratitude in a year that has been anything but typical???

The answer for me is to sit, be still, feel,
acknowledge my feelings, process, and write. As I reflect, I feel the bad, feel the loss,  feel the heartache, feel the tears; but I also feel the joy, feel the accomplishments, feel the strength, feel the presence, feel the kindness, and feel the love. We can choose what we focus on, and we can choose how we deal with the hard, the bad, and the ugly. I can dwell on the bad, and yes, some days I do. My goodness! 2020 has certainly offered me a lot of bad and hurt and pain! I remember my words to my husband one day...a day filled with hurt and despair. Through sobs I uttered the words, " It's all bad! ALL OF IT! There is nothing good coming out of any of this!" As he held me close he whispered the words, "You have me and the kids here for you, and you don't know what will come from all this." And where I still don't understand, or see how and where, and where it didn't take away the heartache, those words help pull me out of the pit when I start sinking deep. Those words, "You have me and the kids," serve as a reminder, especially when I start thinking it's all bad, to look around, open my eyes, because somewhere there has to be some good. Yes, the year has been defined by heartache, but on this Monday before Thanksgiving, if I open my eyes a little wider, I can see good...

- The love of my family- My whole big amazing family

- A Hard-working husband who loves his wife and family well, and who isn't afraid to say the hard things when it is the right thing

- The strength of a teenage girl who has upheld her mother for a big part of the year

-The love, compassion, and hugs of a teenage son

- Parents and siblings who ban together in the hard and who love one another unconditionally

- Phone calls and texts of love, support, and encouragement from friends and family

- Memories- a whole lot of precious memories

- My People- family and friends who are always there to love, help, and support

-God's creation- the beauty and healing of nature

-Softball- a needed distraction, the lessons and excitement it brings, and yes! How about a verbal commitment to college!!!

-Karate and workouts- a healthy way to blow off some steam, learn lessons, and gain strength in both body and mind

-Rainbows, shooting stars, and reminders of God's greatness and presence even when I question and doubt. 

So yes, the year has been hard, and this week will be hard as we celebrate a holiday that my brother loved. I will sit and feel the hurt, but I will also sit and feel the joy and express gratitude, where maybe not for the hard, yet, but for the blessings in the hard. Because, as one of Shawn's favorite authors, Frederick Buechner said, "Pay mind to your own life, your own health, and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help to anyone if it bleeds to death."